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Laughter of the Sword God Chapter 14

CSI

Chapter 14 – The Lady and the Big Thief

(One)

The young man in white laughed. If Ximen Chuixue said he was going to kill someone, that person’s death was already determined. Now Ximen Chuixue said he was going to kill him, unexpectedly he was still able to laugh. Not only he was laughing, his laughter was very cheerful.

Even Embroidered Shoes and Big Bass Drum felt it was very strange.

Stranger still, this young man in white, who had always been mysterious and a bit weird, even said, “Ximen Chuixue, you are not bad. I have always known that you are not bad at all.” He said, “If you want to kill people, it would be easier than other people cutting radish. If you want to kill me, naturally it is even easier.”

Not only the young man in white’s laughter was cheerful, his cheerful demeanor was contagious. “You have just said that my martial art skill is very lacking, although Big Bass Drum and Embroidered Shoes are currently Jianghu’s first class assassins, in front of Ximen Chuixue, most likely they won’t dare to move.”

Big Bass Drum and Embroidered Shoes could not deny, they did not dare to deny.

The young man in white said, in this kind of situation, when I hear that you are going to kill me, I ought to be awfully afraid, but I am not afraid of you, not at all.” He asked Ximen Chuixue, “Do you know why?”

Ximen Chuixue looked at him. His gaze was not grim, but it was not warm either. Ximen Chuixue’s gaze as he looked at him was like he was not looking at anything, it was like he was gazing at the emptiness in a distance.

“I am not afraid of you, because I know you are not going to kill me, and that you cannot kill me.” Unexpectedly that was what the young man said.

Unexpectedly, Ximen Chuixue did not draw his sword either.

“Ximen Chuixue killed people in split second. In split second Ximen Chuixue is able to kill countless people. A puny ordinary people like me, why would I think that Ximen Chuixue will not dare to kill me?” This weird and mysterious young man in white said, “Naturally I have my reasons. At least I have several reasons!”

Nobody could guess his reasons.

When Ximen Chuixue wanted to kill someone, is there any reason in the world that could stop him?

But the young man in white unexpectedly could come up with a reason; not only that, his reason was really effective.

What was his reason?

(Two)

Naturally the reason this young man in white came up was very reasonable, not only that, it was also unexpected.

He seemed to have a lot to say, who would have thought that Ximen Chuixue cut him off, “Actually you don’t have a single reason, but I do not have the slightest intention to kill you either.”

“Really?”

Of course it was true, whatever Ximen Chuixue said, no one has ever doubted it.

“When Ximen Chuixue wants to kill someone, he practically does not need any reason. When Ximen Chuixue does not want to kill someone, he does not need any reason either.”

“That is the truth,” the young man in white said, “I believe it.”

“If Ximen Chuixue wanted to kill you, even though you are a weak woman, even if you are Lu Xiaofeng’s lover, even if you are that Beef Soup, you will still be dead under my sword by now.”

“Yet I am still not dead?”

“Because of a very good reason. I believe there is no reason the world better than this.”

“Oh?”

“Ehm.”

“What reason?” the young man in white asked, “Because of what?”

“Because although you are not a man but a woman, plus you are Lu Xiaofeng’s recent favorite, the Beef Soup, the Cowhide Candy [see Chapter 11], Miss High and Mighty Niu, but I am not Ximen Chuixue.”

The man said, “From head to toe, from the top of my head to the soles of my feet, my entire being, from top to bottom, there is nothing belonging to Ximen Chuixue, not at all.”

Big Bass Drum was dumbstruck. Embroidered Shoes was dumbstruck. Beef soup was dumbstruck. Whether she was really Beef Soup or not, she was dumbstruck; much less she was really Beef Soup.

She knew what kind of man Ximen Chuixue was. This man’s mannerism was Ximen Chuixue’s mannerism; solitary, quiet, and cold. [孤独、寂寞、冷 – gu du, ji mo, leng]

If you think these five characters are not enough to describe Ximen Chuixue, that you have to use thirteen characters to be enough, then other than those five characters solitary, quiet, and cold, you may add eight more characters: proud, proud, merciless, merciless [骄傲、骄傲、无情、无情 – jiao ao, jiao ao, wu qing, wu qing].

A moment ago that man was exactly like that, but now he did not seem to be the same man.

The heaven above the earth below, there was only one Ximen Chuixue, never to be duplicated. The heaven above the earth below, there was only one Sword God, never to be duplicated.

This kind of man, how could he say such thing? If Ximen Chuixue really wanted someone to die, how could that person live until now?

“Now I know for sure that you are absolutely not Ximen Chuixue.” Miss Niu stared at this man and asked, “If you are not him, who are you?”

She believed this man was Ximen Chuixue, just because she had already felt some kind of pride and desolation that was unique and unmatched, that only Ximen Chuixue could exude; she had also felt the thick and fierce sword aura that was equally unique and unmatched.

Apart from Ximen Chuixue, who else could make others feel this way?

“Ximen Chuixue’s face actually looks like dead person, not only it was deathly pale without any trace of blood, it does not have any emotion either.” Miss Niu said, “The most important point is that when most people see a man wearing white clothes, as white as snow, while wearing a long and narrow sword in black sheathe, their legs would turn into jelly; who would dare to stare at that person’s face?”

Her conclusion was: “Therefore, in theory, masquerading as Ximen Chuixue is not a very difficult thing.”

The theory is correct, however, between theory and fact, usually there is still some distance. Therefore, Miss Niu continued, “In reality, masquerading as Ximen Chuixue is an extremely difficult thing.”

“Why?”

“Because of his sword aura and his murderous aura.”

It doesn’t matter who, but anybody who ‘saw’ Ximen Chuixue would immediately feel his dense, severe and pressing sword aura and murderous aura. Plus he would be immediately intimidated.

“Therefore, in this world, the number of people who could impersonate Ximen Chuixue was really not many. In my opinion, there are no more than three people.”

“Which three?”

“Western Region’s Yu Luocha, Lu Xiaofeng, and Sikong Zhaixing.” Miss Niu said, “Western Region’s Yu Luocha is the Jiaozhu [Cult Leader] of that Devil Cult of the Western Region, Sikong Zhaixing is that little thief, and Lu Xiaofeng is the Four Eyebrows Lu Xiaofeng.”

“Ever since that Silver Hook Casino case, Western Region’s Yu Luocha never seems to reappear.” The man in white said, “Besides, he seldom appeared in Jianghu anyway.”

“Looks like you are right.”

“Therefore, naturally I can’t be him.”

“Looks like you can’t be.”

“And naturally I can’t be that super-b@stard Lu Xiaofeng either.”

“I don’t think you look like him!”

“Therefore, I am afraid I am Sikong Zhaixing.”

“I am afraid so.”

The man heaved a very, very deep sigh. “Looks like your vision is not bad, it’s a pity you still made a tiny bit of mistake.”

“What is it?”

“Sikong Zhaixing is not a little thief, he is a big thief. A super big thief.”

“Not only he is a super big thief, he seems to be the thief king of kings. Even Lu Xiaofeng would have a very big headache whenever he saw him.” Miss Niu said, “Someone who is able to make Lu Xiaofeng crawling on the ground, digging six hundred and eighty earthworms, other than him, there doesn’t seem to be a second person.”

Sikong Zhaixing roared in laughter. The chilling murderous aura of a moment ago had already vanished completely.

It was only now that Miss Niu believed Lu Xiaofeng; this thief king of kings was indeed a genius, his talent in disguise was exactly like Lu Xiaofeng has told her. “I was once told that in the Mansion of Spirits, Lu Xiaofeng had seen a man who could disguise himself as a dog, but this man said that his skill was not even one third of what Sikong Zhaixing is capable of doing.”

Big Bass Drum and Embroidered Shoes were dumbfounded.

Although they have heard Sikong Zhaixing’s name, given the fact that this thief king of kings’ reputation in Jianghu was resounding, not at all below Ximen Chuixue’s, but they had never thought that this thief king would be able to masquerade the Sword God; moreover, he was able to deceive them.

They also understood the art of disguise, since none of the people in their line of work did not understand the art of disguise.

It was actually one of the most fundamental requirements for people who wanted to take assassination as their profession.

It’s just that they could not imagine someone was able to completely change his imposing manner and his voice in a flash like that.

Changing one’s appearance is not difficult, changing one’s voice is difficult. One must first learn how to control the muscle of his throat, a skill that existed only in legends.

Therefore, without saying anything Big Bass Drum took out a stack of banknotes from his pocket, with both hands he brought it to Miss Niu’s presence, arranged it on the ground, and then, just like a very fat butterfly, he flew away.

Embroidered Shoes did not say anything either; she simply left. When she walked away, naturally her footsteps were a lot lighter than when she arrived.

Sikong Zhaixing watched her leaving with a smile on his face. Suddenly he asked Miss Niu, “Why didn’t you stop her?”

“Why would I want to stop her?”

“Because she seemed to be forgetting to leave something behind!” Sikong Zhaixing looked at the banknotes Big Bass Drum left behind, “This sort of thing is usually not easily forgotten; even if she forgot, you should not forget.”

He added as an explanation, “Especially since both of you are women.”

“Although my experience with women is not as extensive as Lu Xiaofeng’s, it can’t be considered too little either.” Sikong Zhaixing explained further, “Based on my experience, once things like gold, silver, pearls and jewels enter a woman’s hand, it would be like a jar of thirty-year old Nu’erhong [blushing young maiden] wine entering Lu Xiaofeng’s belly; if you want him to spit it back out, I am afraid it would be more difficult than ascending the heavens.”

“This time you are wrong,” Miss Niu said.

“Oh?”

“Exactly because I am a woman that I did not stop her.”

“Why?”

“… because I forgot.” Miss Niu’s laughter was as pure as a little white lily. “Because I practically forgot to give her the banknotes.”

“You did not forget to pay Big Bass Drum, yet you forgot to pay her.”

“Ehm.”

“Why?”

“Because she is a woman, and I am also a woman.” Miss Niu said, “Others thought that women only guard against man; that is wrong.”

“Could it be that the ones women guard against the most are other women?” Sikong Zhaixing asked, “Could it be that women only guard against women?”

“That is correct.”

Women always understand other women a bit better, isn’t that right?

“Now I only have one thing that I don’t understand.” Beef Soup asked the thief king, “I was wondering if you could tell me.”

“I could.” Sikong Zhaixing said, “Although I am not Lu Xiaofeng, I also cannot refuse a pretty and lovely little girl such as you.”

Beef Soup laughed, “At least you have one thing that is the same as his, your mouth is as sweet as his.”

You have tasted his sweet mouth, do you want to taste my mouth as well?

Not only Miss Niu was pretty and lovely, she was also very smart; she knew what bad men like Lu Xiaofeng and Sikong Zhaixing had in their mind, even before they say it.

Therefore, she did not give these bad men a chance to speak; immediately she continued, “I asked Honest Monk to write a letter to Ximen Chuixue to make an appointment with him. How did you read it?”

“How do you know that I have read it?”

“If you hadn’t, why did you impersonate Ximen Chuixue and come here?”

“The reason seems to be very simple.” Sikong Zhaixing sighed again, “I believe you must be thinking of something like that.” His sigh was very deep, “Too bad this time you are wrong.”

“Are you saying that it was not like that?”

“It wasn’t.”

“If it wasn’t like that, then what was it?”

“That question, I do not want to answer it just yet,” Sikong Zhaixing said, “Right now I just want to eat a big bowl of piping hot beef soup.”

“Which I have to personally cook.”

Sikong Zhaixing laughed aloud. “This time you are right.”

(Three)

A bowl of beef soup was served; it was indeed piping hot. Not only that, it was brought in an especially big, fancy bowl. The soup was congealing even thicker than rice porridge. The meat in the soup was from the best three parts of a cow, and the cow was the choicest of the herd.

Such a fine bowl of beef soup, if to it was added an assembly of fine cuisine such as two or three batches of hand-pulled noodle, a dish of Yunnan big-head vegetable, a dish of dried orchid tofu and a bowl of shelled peanuts to down Shanxi’s old Fenjiu wine, even if someone offered to exchange it with 286 dishes of entirely Chinese cuisines, you may want to say, “I don’t want to change.” [Translator’s note: I am not sure about all the food’s names; I don’t even know what they are.]

Naturally you don’t want to change. If you do, then you are a turtle.

Sikong Zhaixing was not a turtle, neither was he a cuckold; Sikong Zhaixing loved good food, he was a connoisseur. And not just an ordinary connoisseur either; he was an expert.

He drank a few mouthfuls of soup, ate a few pieces of meat, closed his eyes, and slowly exhaled from his nose a sigh of contentment. “Beef tendon, small flower-patterned rolled tendon, three-part fat of strips of ribs, plus a bit of white beef brisket and beef shank,” Sikong Zhaixing said with a sigh, “This beef is very tender, was it fed with wine mixed with wheat since it was young?” he asked Miss Niu. [Again, my apology, I am not a food connoisseur.]

“Yes.”

“Isn’t it true that this bowl of beef soup has been cooked for four, five sichen [i.e. 8 to 10 hours]?”

“Yes.”

“But I barely sat down and your beef soup was immediately brought over!”

“When I was going to ask someone a favor, I always had beef soup ready.” Miss Niu said, “Because my [maternal] grandma often told me something, and I never forget it.”

“What did she tell you?”

“She often told me that if I want to grab a man’s heart, the fastest way is to go through his stomach.”

“She said it well.” Sikong Zhaixing burst out laughing, “Your [maternal] grandpa must be luckier than most men in the world!”

With a sweet smile Miss Niu said, “But he is also fatter than most men in the world.”

Sikong Zhaixing laughed. Miss Niu also laughed. But both of them suddenly stopped laughing. You looked at me, I looked at you.

The first to open his mouth was naturally Sikong Zhaixing; because he had eaten the beef soup. Usually the beef soup cannot be eaten in vain.

“What kind of person Ximen Chuixue is, you should already know.” He asked Miss Niu, “Could it be that his letter can be seen by someone else?”

“No.”

“Therefore, I have not seen the letter either.” Sikong Zhaixing said, “I only saw a monk, an honest monk who is not honest.”

Miss Niu laughed, “That monk does seem like he is not too honest.”

“But that monk is smarter than you.”

“In which aspect he is smarter than me?”

“He knew that after Ximen Chuixue read the letter, that letter will immediately become like the heart of a woman who committed suicide.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why would a woman want to kill herself?”

“Because her heart had already broken into pieces, it had been torn to shreds by a man.”

“That letter will be the same.” Sikong Zhaixing laughed, “So it must have been torn to shreds by a man. And that man is precisely Ximen Chuixue.”

Miss Niu also laughed; she could not help but laugh.

“The monk has calculated that the Great Swordsman Ximen definitely would not want to make an appointment with a nameless character, because that Great Swordsman’s eyes will always look above their heads.”

“If such a Great Swordsman must meet this kind of appointment, perhaps he won’t even have any time to have children.”

“Since he did not come, you came.” Miss Niu asked Sikong Zhaixing, “But why would you want to come?”

“Because I am Lu Sandan’s [lit. three eggs] friend; Ximen Chuixue does not go to save him, naturally I must go.”

“Lu Sandan?” Miss Niu asked in bewilderment, “Who is Lu Sandan?”

“Lu Sandan is Lu Xiaofeng,” Sikong Zhaixing said, “Because not only he is a b@stard [orig. hundan – muddled egg], he is also a poor wretch [orig. qiong guang dan – totally poor egg], and sometimes he is even an idiot [orig. ben dan – stupid egg].”

Miss Niu wanted to laugh, but she simply could not laugh.

“This time you are wrong,” in deadly earnest she told Sikong Zhaixing, “Lu Xiaofeng is not an egg; he could be anything, but I can assure you he is in no way an egg.”

“Why?”

Miss Niu laughed again.

“Have you ever seen an egg grows eyebrows?” she asked Sikong Zhaixing, “Have you ever seen an egg with four eyebrows?”

Sikong Zhaixing has never surrendered to anybody, even having somersault competition with Lu Xiaofeng he did not surrender.

But this time, he surrendered.

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